Fun and chaos in the Riley bashing world
by Cal
Summary: Some much needed Riley bashing. If you like Riley, DO NOT read this.


Fun and Chaos in the Buffy World ****

Author's Notes: I got bored, and realised I hadn't done any good ol' fashioned Riley bashing lately. Oh yeah, and, since I don't appreciate flames, anyone who likes Riley's character DO NOT read this. (But let's face it, who does?)

Fun and Chaos in the Buffy World

"We need to talk."

Buffy glared at her boyfriend, who was currently involved in the complicated process of tying his shoelaces, in an obvious struggle.

"Can it wait a second, Buffy? I'm kind of in the middle of something here." Riley tried to manipulate the laces into a loop, but found it to much of an effort. He gave up. 

"What was it, my little honey-woogles?" He gave her a goofy grin.

Buffy screamed mentally, but pressed on.

"Riley-"

"Wait. Me first," Riley interrupted. "Buffy, I really really like you. But, wah, being involved in your life is dangerous. What I'm trying to say is, I love you. Boo hoo, you're stronger than me. I care about you a lot. Wah, you still love Angel." 

"........Riley?"

"Yes, Wiggle-humpkin-poodums?"

"....What the hell are you talking about?!" 

Confused, Riley responded to the situation in his usual fashion, by taking his shirt off. He looked hopefully at his girlfriend.

Buffy stared at her clueless boyfriend. _He's living proof that everybody makes mistakes. _

"I think we should break up."

Riley was shocked. 

"Wha..why?! Give me one good reason!"

"You _really _wanna be here for 3 hours?"

"But..I mean...why wouldn't you want me?"

"Hmm let's see. You're boring, you have an annoying voice, you've got terrible, _terrible_ hair, you're dumb, you take your shirt off _every _episode, you're _far_ too overprotective, you're just a corn-fed Iowa farm boy, and you think I need you to fight for me!"

"And you're dumping me over that?" Riley couldn't believe what he was hearing. After all, she couldn't possibly still love Angel. Why, just the other day she'd had him over to help her test out her new bed. _Nice to see they can still be friends. _

"Buffy......I love you!" Riley cried in a last resort. Buffy was unimpressed. 

"Big deal, so do half the other guys in town. And by the way, you were _way _too fast in first saying you loved me, if you couldn't even tell it was Faith in my body!"

Riley produced a gun, and pointed it at himself.

"Noooooo! I'll die rather than be without my precious ooky noogie snoogums!"

Buffy merely yawned.

"Go ahead, before _I _end up doing shooting myself....with boredom!"

Riley pointed the gun at Buffy. Now he had a great idea. This would make Buffy love him again.

"Now you'll have to stay with me! Ha ha ha!" Riley said happily. "In fact, if you don't-"

"Something wrong here?"

__

Angel!

"Angel."

Angel sauntered in. Having been previously invited, he had no problems with hidden barriers.

"This overgrown Action Man doll bothering you, Buffy?"

Buffy allowed herself a quick smile at the reference, before putting on a mock feminine helpless charade.

"Oh yes, please dispose of him!" 

Angel grinned, showing unusual happiness at the prospect of ridding the world of Riley.

"With pleasure."

With blinding vampiric speed, he hurled himself towards Riley, grabbing the gun. Riley never stood a chance. Within seconds Angel had the gun in his possession, and pointed it at Riley.

"Buffy? Would you like to have the honours?"

Buffy smiled wickedly, and grabbed the gun. But, rather than using it on Riley, she turned and threw it out a window. 

"I have a better idea."

* * *

"Think it's safe to leave him?" Angel asked. 

"Yeah," Buffy reassured him. "They'll run out of groceries eventually."

Riley stared down helplessly from his upside down position. Secured to the tree branch by thick skipping ropes (don't ask), the kid population from the entire neighbourhood were raining the contents of their fridge's on him. Eventually one of them landed a good shot in his mouth with a fish, effectively choking him. A fitting end.

* * *

Buffy returned to her dorm, full of pent-up energy from her nightly patrol. 

Hmm. Maybe she should go find Spike.

Bed needed testing.


End file.
